Hey guys. Kaira here.
I am gonna want to get this off my chest quick. Note, though, I am not angry, sad, depressed, raged out, or any of that. I am 100% calm as I am making the journal. And.. I probably won't expect a lot of comments anyhow. I just want to say this while I still have it in my head.
I have something to say about how I was helping some people on here months ago. I do enjoy my time here on Deviantart, browsing art, talking to people here, etc. I even got some ideas and inspirations from some people, like ideas, games, watching something.. They were real great experiences in my opinion.
But some of the times I was on here.. I had spent on trying my darnest to help some people cheer up and not do the bad things they think about doing... Only to have a whole LOT of it feel like it's all a freakin waste of time. At times, I feel like my kindness and words are being taken for granted way too much. And when I saw multiple people like that, I try to help them at once. But if you recall, all of it becomes too much for me to bear. Sure, I had some success, but a lot of the other times, it all ends up being failed attempts. I do remember that it has caused me pain for myself because 1; I pretty much went overboard with it, and let it affect me when I do get unsuccessful, and 2; If it was gonna be a suicide, I would be afraid that they would go through with it. That's one of the things that pushes my buttons more. And 3; Leaving Deviantart. Same thing, but without the death. Just that if they do leave for no good reasons, they are throwing away the appreciation and friends they earned. I know I left here a few times myself.. But I always came back because I didn't want to abandon my friends, even though I get clouded by my anger and say they never support me.
One of the things I am talking about it, was because when I was on Skype, I tried to help 2 different people for example. Before I go on, I want to clear it out that I am not intended to hurt the feelings of said people I am gonna talk about.
First off when I was talking to my ex-girlfriend on there, she was in what was the usual depression I see different times. And..... No offense, but I feel like her depression is extremely powerful enough to EVEN BRUSH ALL OF ME OFF NO MATTER FREAKIN WHAT I DO TO HELP HER!.. Sorry for that. I wasn't yelling there. I used caps to show a point here. But anyways, her depression is unbelievably strong, and I didn't know if there was a miracle to cure it. It's not constant thankfully, but if it does happen, she really tends to not listen to people and do what she thinks. Being sad, depressed, and at times even suicidal. It made me wish I would understand clearly on why and how it happens, so I can find a way to help her. "sigh".. but I haven't found it yet. I just wished to god that she wouldn't be like that anymore ever again.
Secondly, I am gonna state someone's name, and that is Nicco. At times now since I added him on Skype.... I had noticed a couple things off about him. Firstly, when we roleplayed, he used a couple bad guys that he imagined were unfeeling people, and a couple of them monstrous and bloody. And that his main character had this dark side of his that was ambitious and such. Secondly,a few days ago, he had this idea where he wanted his char [N]Nicco to have an updated look to be similar to that of Two-Face from the Batman franchise. I wasn't against that, but who would want something like that for their main char's dark side. Really. =/
And lastly, he constantly wanted to roleplay with me, and not have normal talking. When I don't respond to him when I am busy with something, he becomes a bit impatient, and replies with stuff like "Hello?" or something. Now last night when it happened, I got mad at him, and asked why he's making me rp with him. He told me it was because I was practically the only friend he knows that can talk to him, and he wanted to have some fun with me because that his friends either forgot him, are busy, or don't want to talk to him and quitted DA. I told him he still has friends, but he needs to kinda remind them that he is their friend. And then he said he wanted to spend time with me and rp with me before he left to join the army soon, and I'd never see him again. He said it'd be the only way he'd earn money for College and crud. And he thinks no one cares about him on here or Skype. He even thought he wouldn't be missed if he died in the army. Then he mentioned people STILL like even when some found out about his dirtyness. I don't still like the creep, so I question why. He said that the guy changed, but doesn't buy it. But Nicco did say he isn't taking my help for granted. However, since I can tell it's not gonna help him one bit if I tried, it wouldn't change his mind a bit.
So that's what I have to say. Basically, after all of what I put up with, I... Just won't try to help anyone like this anymore. I'm done with it. I refuse to let people, even my own friends, treat me like I am a useless guy. I ain't useless. But yeah, I just won't anymore. Once again, I am not negative. I am just stating I won't help anyone feel better anymore. Cuz for me.... It's all just a losing battle.
End of journal.